The SnapClap

This morning while riding a DC Metro Train to work I noticed an advertisement.  The ad featured extremley detailed instructions on how to protect yourself and others from the flu.  You know; wash your hands, cover your mouth, all that jazz.  Really and truly, I don’t understand why they have instructions for something that basic but overlook the real important stuff, like how to ride the Metro properly!

Look, I might be jaded or too “New York” or whatever you wanna call me, but DC folks, ya’ll don’t do public transportation properly, you just don’t.  You know how to stop the spread of germs, but you’re horrible when it comes to public transportation.   So, in lieu of a public service  to educate riders sponsored by the DC Metro, I’ve come up with my own list. 

Rules for Riding the DC Metro

For Metro Passengers:

1. Take your bag off – I’m tired of getting knocked around by your bookbag; or trying to shuffle around your shopping bags.  Take your bags off and sit them in your lap or on the floor.
2. Move to the center of the car/ back of the bus – There’s MAD room back there people!  Why stand on top of me, when you can sit next to that crazy looking federal employee.
3. Don’t stand in the doorway – This is self explanitory.
4. Collapse your baby carriages – Your carriage takes up the whole isle!  Wait a minute, how old is your kid anyway?!?  Listen, if his feet touch the ground when he’s in the stroller, guess what; he’s too old for a stroller.
5. Say Excuse me (!) – Come on!  How rude.  Just say excuse me and I’ll get out of your way.  And vice/versa; when I say excuse me, you should get outta my way, don’t just stand in the doorway; MOVE!
6. Be courteous of seniors/pregnant women – A co-worker of mine was pregnant, and  no one ever, never ever gave up their seat for her?  What kinda people ride the Metro and won’t give up their seats, for a woman who’s preggers?  What gives?
7. Let the passengers exit, BEFORE you attempt to enter the car – I CANNOT STRESS THIS ONE ENOUGH.  You cannot enter, before we exit; it just don’t work that way.  Be patient, wait till I get off the train before you take my seat.

For Metro Employees:

1. Easy on the brakes – Bus, train, it doesn’t matter.  The Metro drivers in DC are all herkey jerky on the brakes!  Drivers, please be considerate, there’s a whole bunch of people in here, and they all got bookbags on, and they refuse to move to the back of the bus.  When I ride the bus in DC, I find myself holding on tight even when I sit down!  That’s unacceptable!
2. Clean Metro buses thoroughly - I don’t understand why every bus in DC smells like urine.  It’s just not possible.  Every bus smells like urine!?!  And it’s not like its just in the back of the bus, or the front or whatever; its like a ubiquitous urine, you know?  No matter where you sit, it smells like a port-a-potty, and that’s no way to start or finish a day.  (Notice I said clean thoroughly.  Because sometimes they do a half ass job, so you smell Pine-sol and urine which is almost worse than urine alone.)  
3. Be short when announcing Metro station stops – I kid you not, there’s a conducter on the Metro, who thinks she’s an auctioneer.  She never stops talking over the train’s intercom system!  She’s like, “This is the Red Line to, Shhhaaaaaaaaaaaaady Grove.”  And then proceeds to tell the weather the time, the stock report, horoscopes.  I exaggerate, but only a little.  She really doesn’t shut up.  How many times are you gonna tell us what time it is?  We know what time it is fool, its one minute later than then last time you told me!  Please spare me; I have a watch, thanks.

Now look, you might get mad, and say I’m hating or whatever but you know what?  I like the Metro.  you guys got a really cool looking subway system, with the lights at the edge of the platform that pulse when the train is arriving.  You guys actually have a schedule with a display that alerts you to the next train.  Come on, that’s COOL!  Plus the whole “left side walk right side stand” thing you do on the escalators is genius! 

So, I’m mentioning the above suggestions out of love.  Consider it, corrective criticism, or a public service announcement or something. In New York, these things are second nature to us; we’re had a subway for like a hundred years!  So, I understand that someone has got to tell you DC folks how it’s done.  I don’t expect for you guys to get it right away, but if you do anything, just please take your bookbags off; it’s the least you could do, thanks!